American Idol: Two-Hour Finale, Live Results
It's been a long five-month journey, but we've finally reached the trail's end.  American Idol will crown its sixth victor this evening and it will be either Jordin Sparks, the teen sensation from Arizona, or Blake Lewis, the human beat-box from the great Pacific Northwest.  The odds-on favorite appears to be Jordin, but weirder things have happened.  I will be updating the live blog here throughout the show and will have the final results posted just seconds after Mr. Ryan Seacrest announces them to the world.  What follows are my live, almost totally unfiltered thoughts while watching tonight's two-hour American Idol finale.

Everyone's dressed up tonight, wearing classy black.  Simon is show some good man cleavage. 

Blake and Jordin kick the show singing The Beatles' "I Saw Her Standing There".  They chose this song, it seems, for the famous first line "She was just 17 / You know what I mean". 

As much as you like Blake and Jordin, they are no Lennon/McCartney.  Perhaps that's an unfair comparison.  This is a great song regardless.

Up next, to help fill two hours of filler, is Gwen Stefani via satellite, to sing her new single. 

I can't even begin to explain what Gwen is wearing.  It's what Alice, from Alice in Wonderland, would look like in an adult male's mushroom induced hallucination. 

Gwen still looks good, for the record.  And, not a bad song.  There are no Harajuku girls in sight, which is rare for Gwen these days.

After the break, the top 12 will be back with, according to Seacrest, "more than a few surprises".  The surprise I'm hoping for? Sanjaya has laryngitis and has to perform an interpretive dance instead of sing.  But, my wishes never come true, so don't count on it.

Kelly Clarkson is here!  She'll be singing her new single, in which she all sorts of pissed off.

It's kind of harder rock, a lot of yelling from Kelly.

They're featuring some strobe lighting for this song.  If this live blog stops right here, it's because I've had a seizure.  Alert the proper authorities.

So, is Ms. Clarkson writing her own songs these days?  Can someone answer this for me?  Because, if so, some dude has really pissed her off. 

In the house tonight: Jennifer Hudson and Jerry Springer.

This is a bit silly.  Seacrest gives out the "Golden Idol Awards".  What you need to know: this is simply an excuse to show a bunch of the bad auditions from earlier in the season.  We get to fill up some air time and make fun of delusional people.

The Big Bird Woman from earlier this season wins "Best Presentation".  She's in the audience, wearing the same Big Bird outfit. and comes on stage.  She kisses Seacrest. 

So, we need a two-hour finale for this crap?  Really? 

The top 6 guys come out to perform "Ooh, Baby Baby".  They're wearing their Heaven Gate's cult outfits again.

A surprise.  Smokey Robinson joins them on stage and sings a medley with the dudes.  Cool stuff.  I love "Tears of a Clown".

Sweet.  Blake Lewis beat boxes and raps on stage with Doug E. Fresh.

You can't describe these things in words.  Doug E. Fresh is really good at beat-boxing, and so is Blake Lewis.  They beat box over the Inspector Gadget theme. 

More "Golden Idol Awards".  This time for Most Original Vocal or something.  They feature the weirdest vocal auditions of the season.  And there are some weird ones. 

I'm always so conflicted watching this stuff.  I feel guilty for laughing.  But, really, it's funny.

The top 6 ladies come out on stage, all wearing the same white cult outfits.   They sing "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" first.

And, then Gladys Knight comes out.

Of course, they sing "Midnight Train to Georgia", one of the top 30 songs ever, probably.

I think both Gladys and Smokey have given in and gone the Botox route.  You've got to look good when you're playing the Emerald Queen Casino, I suppose.

Tony Bennett is back.  He didn't get a chance to perform the first time he was on Idol, so now he's back.

Huh.  He's singing a cover of Stevie Wonder's "For Once in My Life". 

Paula, get back in your cage!!!!  She's a mess, swaying and crying.  Get a hold of yourself, Paula. 

Oh, sorry, it's not really a cover of Stevie's song.  Stevie's is just better known.  Neither Tony or Stevie wrote, and both recorded the song in 1967.  I prefer Stevie's version, thank you very much.

Another of the "Awards".  It's for best partners.

The nominees: Baby Huey and the Monkey Kid (or, Jonathan and Kenneth), Amanda Coluccio and Antonella Barba, and Simon and Ryan.

Jonathan and Kenneth win and they're there to accept the award.  Isn't Idol just shamelessly exploiting these kids.

Melinda gets to perform a song with some singers she used to sing back-up for.  The lady is CC Wynans.  I didn't catch who the guys was.  The song is all right.  Melinda doesn't get a whole lot of opportunity to sing, but still pretty cool.

The final Ford commericial.  It's a compilation of outtakes from all the previous commercials.  Pretty weak.

Blake and Jordin are each given a Ford Mustang.  Well, that's nice.

Carrie Underwood hits the stage, singing the same song she sang during Idol Gives Back, "I'll Stand By You."

Carrie, you are better than Tony Romo.  You can do way better.  Did you not watch the Seahawks game?

Clive Davis hits the stage.  He gives the update on American Idol album sales.  he talks for a long time, but it is Clive Davis, so what are you going to do? 

He brings Carrie Underwood out, because she has dominated the world this past year.

By the way, every time we cut to the crowd, they show Jerry Springer and Jeff Foxworthy standing next to each other, giving standing ovations.  Weird, right?

The African Children's Choir hits the stage.  They have sweet choreography.  The crowd is trying to clap along, but they can't because the song is all syncopated and whatnot.

I want to vomit.  They're doing a big thing on Sanjaya and letting him perform.

Oh, no.  Please no.  This cannot be. 

He's performing "You Really Got Me" with Joe Perry from Aerosmith.

Joe, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?   His career is officially over, it has to be.  This is ridiculous.

Oh, and if you want to know, Sanjaya is singing this song worse than he did the first time.  Really, and the first time was terrible. 

And the crying girl is back.  Sanjaya goes out and sings to her, and she almost hyperventilates.

Did someone slip me a mickey?  That could not have just happened.

Smart, Idol.  Very smart.  They follow up that last abomination with something legitimately cool.  Green Day comes on to perform John Lennon's "Working Class Hero".  Great song, great band.

That was really cool.

Taylor Hicks has made an appearance.  I assume this is his new single.  It's a funky little pop song.  Not bad.  I enjoy Taylor.  Don't think he's incredible or anything, but he's better than some give him credit for.

Uh-oh, he's whipped out the harmonica and goes nuts.  Always love a good harmonica jam.  Pretty good song.  Color me impressed.

Ruben Studdard joins comes out on stage to join Jordin in singing "You're All I Need to Get By".  Cool song, and they're both really good singers.  It's a bit sloppy, but they couldn't have gotten a lot of practice time.

Commercial time.

Bette Midler takes the stage.  What decade is this? 

Is it me, or is Bette's head gigantic?

Her voice has seriously weakened over the years.  She's singing "Wind Beneath My Wings". 

Wow, she is struggling mightily.  Her voice is shot.  This song couldn't end soon enough.

It's almost time folks. 

But first, it's a tribute to "Sgt. Pepper".  Kelly Clarkson begins the eponymous song with Joe Perry. 

Kelly forgets the words a bit, but makes up for it. 

Next, Taylor sings "A Day in the Life".  A top 30 song of all time.  I don't know how I feel about anyone but Lennon singing this.

Next, Carrie Underwood is up, with the top 6 ladies singing backup.

Ruben is up, singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" with the top 6 guys singing backup.

And, finally, the top 12 sing "With a Little Help from my Friends". 

Next, the final results.  Who will it be?

Well, the show will going over time tonight, seeing as it's 10PM ET and there are commercials running.

Wow, they are showing a lot of commercials!  This is shameless, FOX.

Results time:  There was a new record, 74 million votes.


Well, that's it everyone.  It's been a good season, and I appreciate everyone who read the live thoughts this year.  Hope you all enjoyed it. 

-Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer