This week, legendary crooner Tony Bennett visits American Idol
and its remaining contestants, ostensibly to impart some wisdom to the kids. The real reason Tony is there is, I would guess, to promote an album, but this seems ridiculous course of action for an elderly, distinguished man like Tony. Perhaps he just loves the show. That would be both more forgivable and inexplicable, but I'm betting it has something to do with an album.
The real question, though, is this: What, exactly, is Tony Bennett going to teach these nine young, naïve singers?
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If Tony Bennett wasn't trying to sell a record (which he may or may not be doing), this is the candid advice that he might give to each of the remaining American Idol
contestants (and try to imagine each of these entirely made-up quotes as they would be spoken by Alec Baldwin impersonating Tony Bennett on Saturday Night Live...also, keep in mind that I, in no way, am anti-Tony Bennett):
Chris Richardson: “Chris, you gotta' stop makin' your voice go all flippety-floppety. Make it strong. The ladies are gonna like you anyway, you might as well sound good.”
Phil Stacey: “Phil, grow some hair.”
Gina Glocksen: “Wear a dress.”
Haley Scarnato: “One word, Haley: cleavage.”
Melinda Doolittle: “Humility looks good on a lady, but I'd rather have understated arrogance.”
Lakisha Jones: “You're only as good as your last performance.”
Blake Lewis: “We used to have a thing called 'bands' that made all those noises for you. Stop that beat-boxing crap and sing the damn song.”
Jordin Sparks: “You still sound a little young. I suggest whiskey.”
Sanjaya Malakar: “That reminds me...kid, bring me a whiskey.”
“What? You're a singer?”
“I don't believe you.”
“Your hair? Well, I think it looks like the fur of a homeless dog.”
“If you're a singer, then sing me a song.”
-Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer