heads home to Los Angeles tonight, where thousands of
singers (and plenty of non-singers) with Hollywood dreams will
audition. Joining the usual cast of characters -- 2 billion percent
Dawg, I'm Not Paula, and Mr. I-am-SO-Out-Of-Here -- at tonight's judges
panel will be pop-provocateur Katy Perry and pink punk princess Avril
Lavigne. As always, I'll be here sharing my Idol
complete with the official Katy and Avril ratings of the
In honor of Katy Perry being a guest judge, I had grand plans to rewrite
the lyrics to her hit single "I Kissed A Girl," so they would apply to
the American Idol
audition process. But you don't even need to rewrite
them...they apply as is. "This
was never the way I planned, not my intention. I got so brave, drink in
hand, lost my discretion.
" If you told me Katy Perry wrote that about the awful American Idol auditions, I would believe you. The auditions NEVER go the way they were planned (save the plants) and they ALWAYS seem to involve a loss of discretion. And having a drink in hand (and three or four in the
belly) certainly could explain some of the auditions we've been treated
to so far this season.
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Our first guest judge tonight will be Avril Lavigne, who's insisting on wearing her horned-hoodie for the auditions. Neil Goldstein
First up is Neil Goldstein, a train wreck for certain and every cliche of nerd.He has a ridiculously high IQ! He loves computer too much! He lives to perform! He's 19 going on 47! And he's wearing an embellished vest:
Neil, in his creepy used car saleman voice says: He's going to get that ticket tonight. (Hint: no he's not.) He auditions with Meatloaf's "Rock and Roll Dreams Come True." (Hint: they don't for Neil.) He gets about three words in before forgetting the lyrics and losing about a gallon of sweat. Avril Lavigne is giggling, in a painful way. He gets super aggro and all "And I am telling you I am Not Going" -- but he is. Avril best sums up the audition as "aaawkward." Official Avril Rating:
"He Wasn't" Jim Ranger
Jim's a worship pastor (who plays praise guitar) and a doting father and husband. He's taking a huge risk with singing an original song (which was like the 8th Idol Deadly Sin) and the song ain't half bad. He sings with southern rock soul. He gets through to Hollywood, even with a no from Avril Lavigne who thinks he'd have to give up too much to be on Idol. Official Avril Rating:
"I Can Do Better"
We get a terrible guys montage include a guy who does kung fu fighting with cheesy moves and what appears to be an Elvis impersonator who forgets the word. Damien
Damien shows up in a a suit and tie, like he's going to a job interview rather than an Idol audition, but he's likable. He's singing The Righteous Brothers "You've Lost That Loving Feeling." And Damien, I have. Your likability is no match for your bizarre audition which seems to feature about 9 different vocalists who are all equally crazy. He growls, he tries to hit a high note there's not a chance in hell he's making. Lucky for us, Damien's vocal chords decide to have no part of it and just cease working. Damien whistle's psychotically and paces, before Simon says "you should just leave." And he does, he walks right out of that room and admits he choked. Alright Damien, your lack of delusion today, has me liking you again. Official Avril Rating:
Two mean girl snickers. Sure, it's not one of he song titles, but maybe it should be. Avril thus far has reminded me of the mean girl from high school, who happens to shop at Hot Topic instead of the GAPMORE IDOL AUDITIONS