American Idol Season 9: Dallas Auditions, Live Thoughts (Page 1/2)
American Idol Season 9: Dallas Auditions, Live Thoughts (Page 1/2)
Abbey Simmons
Abbey Simmons
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Howdy American Idol fans! For tonight's auditions we'll be two-stepping to Texas with two new guest judges. Since everything is bigger in Texas, we're hoping the talent is larger than life, rather than the train wrecks.

Joining the judges panel tonight will be Joe Jonas (tentative golf clap) and Neil Patrick Harris (huge deafening cheers). A Le-Gen-Dairy night of How I Met Your Mother quotes and as many Texas puns as I can muster awaits us all. Watch with me live and keep your fingers crossed that the Dallas auditions provide more than a lone star.

Tonight's first guest judge is ... Doogie Howser MD:

295px-Doogie_big.jpgAnd can I just say, I am so glad that Doogie made something of himself and we get to still enjoy his smarmy charm today?

Julie Ms. Awkward Sequins & Matching Eye-Shadow

Our first auditioner in Dallas is Julie, who we saw butcher "Lady Marmalade"' during season one's Dallas auditions. Seriously, her audition sounded like a chicken being plucked.  In the seven years since auditioning, she's improved, but that's not saying much. She's also decided to wear sparkles and blue eye shadow that matches. And has to be led out because she refuses to stop singing ... multiple times. Who ever thought the refusing to stop when the judges ask you was a good idea or a new way into Hollywood? (Other than, you know, 5 or so auditioners already this season.) Once they've said no, please, for the love of everything holy, all of our ears, and your rapidly diminishing self-worth....STOP.

Official Barney Stinson Rating:
  "Unacceptable! That's *so* not Raven!"

Lloyd "Big SuccSexy" Thomas

Lloyd describes himself as a homegrown homeboy, and also, his own moniker "Big SuccSexy."  While the nickname seems to scream trainwreck, Mr. SuccSexy can actually sing. When he starts singing, you hear years of church choir in his warm register. Sadly, when he sings, all of his bubbly personality disappears...lucky for him it comes right back as soon as he gets four yeses and the cursed billion percent yes from Randy Jackson. Mr. Big SuccSexy thinks that his success is delicious, which he mimes like eating a burger.

Official Barney Stinson Rating:  Awesome-Quite-A-Lot

Kimberly Carver

Kimberely auditions with a jazzy original tune that marries classic jazz vocals with a slight Texan twang. She hits some sour notes, but when she's low slow and sexy, she sings like she's in the world's swankiest speak easy. Simon agrees with the speak easy reference, saying that there's nothing current about Kimberly and "if it was jazz tv, yes." Neil Patrick Harris, Randy, and Kara completely disagree. I'm on NPH, Kara, and Randy's side, especially after she makes a Doogie Howser reference.

Official Barney Stinson Rating:  Awe-Some-More

Dexter Ward

Dexter Ward thinks the show is over, because he is the next America's guess, if you can't even get the show name right, a billion percent no. Dexter auditions with Shai's "Pretty Brown Eyes," which I used to rock in 6th grade...and Dexter may have ruined it. It's not like the chicken-killing vocals of some trainwrecks, but it's also not even passable karaoke. Dexter gets four nos and at least takes it like a champ in front of the judges in a surprisingly classy way.

Official Barney Stinson Rating:  De -wait for it- Nied! Denied!