Sorry "Elvis is alive" conspiracy theorists, I'm pretty sure last night's American Idol
performance show proved once and for all, The King is dead. Because even if Elvis had stayed silent all these years in some remote Swiss chalet, surely he would have broken his cover and sent out an all points bulletin decrying last night's dreadfully boring interpretations of his songs.
I spent a lot of time since last night wondering how the Top 9 performed Elvis with no energy, but then I realized this is the same group who performed The Rolling Stones with no rock and "Soul Week" with no soul. It's getting high time we just come out and say it: Worst. Season. Ever.
At least there are consequences for those doldrums tonight, when not one, but two contestants will be eliminated. You already know who we think will be eliminated
and who Anoop Desai thinks will be eliminated
, but watch along with me to see if we're right or if there's another "what the hell America?" moment awaiting us. As we all know, if there is, we're pretty much SOL because the lone save was used on Big Mike last week. Let's see if we'll be calling him Big Mi(sta)ke after tonight's eliminations, shall we?
But before we get to tonight's numerous guest performers, Ryan Seacrest fake-outs and the always exciting Ford commercial, let's revisit last night's underwhelming performance show. I have to admit, it was all so mediocre, save Andrew Garcia's awful "Hound Dog," I almost did a seven way tie for "who cares." But I perservered, for you, BuddyTV readers and am proud to present this week's Performance Rankings:
How do my rankings differ from yours? And is it elimination time yet?
After another Germanic-opera-to-the-death intro package .... this is American Idol
. Ryan starts the show by telling us that 34 million people voted last night, which is the largest numbers of votes all season. Hopefully that wasn't just the Tween voting bloc for Tim Urban and Big Mike's reinvigorated fans. We shall see, but not before Adam Lambert, Brooke White and Justin Gaston take the stage, all after this week's lip-sync-o-rama.Top 9 Group Song: Unfortunate Elvis Medley
It's another poorly lip-synced and awkwardly choreographed group number by The Top 9. You can tell it is lip synced because everyone (including Andrew Garcia) sounds amazing. You can tell it's awkwardly choreographed because it's Idol
Just like Lennon/McCartney week, it's a medley, featuring the following Elvis songs: "Hunk of Burning Love," "Let Me Be Your Teddy Bear," "Return to Sender" and "Viva Las Vegas." It's a hunk-of-burning-something, but I'm not sure the proper four letter word is love.
Thank goodness that's done, on to the first round of eliminations. Since we have two eliminations tonight, we might actually see some eliminated right now, but I doubt it.
Ryan calls Andrew Garcia, Aaron Kelly, and Casey James to the stage. And let me say, much like tonight's guest star Justin Gaston, one of these things is not like the other. In this group, that would be Casey James, who should be safe, while Andrew and Aaron are your number one and two picks of who'll be packing.
And holy wow, no warning: Andrew Garcia is ELIMINATED
I mean no warning from Seacrest who dropped the results like a kamikaze attack. Any of us who've been watching the last couple weeks knew that Andrew Garcia would be going home tonight.
That also means Aaron Kelly and Casey James are SAFE.
Andrew sings a swan song in the American Idol
tradition: better than he's sung basically all season, which isn't saying much. And with that, the preeminent pre-season favorite is gone having never matched his audition glory.
With the obvious elimination out of the way and over 40 minutes of show left, do you think the second elimination will be more shocking? Guest Performance #1: Brooke White and Justin Gaston
Season 7's Brooke White is joined by Miley Cyrus' ex-boyfriend Justin Gaston to perform Elvis' "I Can Dream."
As expected Justin Gaston confirms he would have been eliminated during week one or two of season nine of American Idol
and Brooke White proves were she on this season, she would have won. More Results
Ryan brings Lee Dewyze, Siobhan Magnus, Katie Stevens, Big Mike, Crystal Bowersox and Tim Urban (okay everyone who hasn't been eliminated or saved) to the center of the stage. They all look about as pleased with this drawn out dog-and-pony show and "Deep Thoughts with Ryan Seacrest" segment as I am. At this point in the season, I can't tell if Ryan is gunning for Simon Cowell's soon-to-be vacant seat or Oprah's.
Crystal: SAFESiobhan: SAFE
That means either Tim Urban, Big Mike or Katie Stevens will be eliminated. And by that I mean, either Tim Urban or Katie Stevens will be eliminated. As John and I postulated in our podcast this morning (you've listened right?) Big Mike's fans at least quadruple voted for him last night.
Next Week's Theme and Mentor:
Theme: Inspirational Songs
Mentor: Alicia Keys
So I see Season 9 has continued on it's quest to redefine the word mentor, with Usher being our oldest and wisest mentor to date. As well as it's unstoppable hunger for cheese ... inspirational songs, are you kidding me? And Idol does mean "inspirational songs" as in Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All" and not songs that inspire each contestant, I know because Seacrest tells us there will be an iTunes playlist we can peruse to see possible song choices.
Guest Performer #2 - Adam Lambert
Adam Lambert apparently arrived from another universe for tonight's guest performance and I'm not even being snarky and cute like "another universe where American Idol didn't suck." I mean "another universe like outside of our solar system and by means that the human mind is technologically incapable of comprehending." Behold:
But all that inter-galactic travel was worth it, because Adam gives what is probably the best performance we've seen grace the American Idol stage all season.
P.S. Siobhan, this is how you deliver a glory note:
And by that I of course mean, with glittery ear monitors that match your "from the Liberace collection" jacket.
But enough with the pleasant stuff and the good singing, it's time to eliminate a second contestant.
Tim Urban is SAFE, again
Big Mike is SAFE
Which means ....
Katie Stevens is ELIMINATED
Which we all knew as soon as Ryan Seacrest said one member of that bottom two "wasn't even in the bottom three."
Katie then makes the unfortunate mistake of singing "Let it Be" as her swan song, when Brooke White is in the wings and reminding us she all did it So. Much. Better. Plus, the emotion of the situation clearly got the best of what were already somewhat inconsistent vocals on Katie's behalf and she warbles through "Let It Be." She then promptly bursts in to tears as soon as she was done.
And there you have it America, two contestants who were told they could win the whole thing are gone and Tim Urban continues his reign of perfectly banged terror.
(Image Courtesy of FOX)