American Idol is back! The show that launched Scotty McCreery into country stardom and Lauren Alaina into relative anonymity is returning for its eleventh season. And this time, it promises to be more secure in itself. The judges all know what role they are here to play--Steven's the kooky one! Randy's the "real" one! J. Lo is the pretty one! And the nice one. And the one not doing Que Viva! The Choice with her now-ex-husband Marc Anthony anymore. BUT ANYWAY!

Are you excited? Did you miss it? Did you watch X-Factor in the hopes that it could fill the Idol-shaped hole in your heart only to realize that without Ryan Seacrest and Randy Jackson a competition-based reality show can only hope to be second best?  I am, I did, and I didn't watch X-Factor. I like to keep my American Idol experience as pure as possible, so I saved myself for today. And now I will unleash a recap with so much pent-up, raw enthusiasm, it will quickly become unbearable. Or maybe I just need to calm down because it's just the auditions and I don't need to get worked up until the Hollywood rounds? Worked up or not, onward!

The first episode puts us in Savannah, GA. Will this first episode be about the real talent, the judges, or the wacky auditions? We've got two hours, it can be all three! But first, American Idol has to remind me that it has been on for 10 years and most of the kids auditioning were toddlers when Kelly Clarkson won. I may or may not have been old enough to audition. I do remember where I was when it all started for me, though, when I read my first ever recap of American Idol, which taught me that Justin Guarini was eye-f***ing the camera at every turn.

The preview for this season's auditions looks promising--there's another accidental punch! And of course, believing in yourself. The first city to believe in itself is Savannah, Georgia. Of course, Steven Tyler has to make a joke about Savannah also being a woman's name. Remember how he inexplicably has sex with thousands of women?

The Good

David "Mister Steal your Girl" Leathers, Jr. This little ladies' man beat Scotty McCreery in a local singing contest. Baby lock them doors, Mr Steal Your Girl is going to steal your girl, and you'll think he's just a kid wearing sunglasses indoors. He sounds like Michael Jackson, which the judges noted. They had him sing some Michael Jackson just for fun, then sent him straight to Hollywood where he belongs. But what will happen when Mr. Steal Your Girl becomes Mr. Hair in New and Confusing Places?

Gabi Carrubba is a champion tap dancer, but has elected to try out for a singing-only competition because she "is excited to meet Ryan Seacrest" and wants to make Steven Tyler make "the face." AND she wanted to hug Nigel, of all people! Girl just wants to be on TV. Well, here's the best I can do, you can have a screengrab!

She's adorable, though, and has musicality, so she's through.  And Idol had a pretty good joke in there!


Brianna Faulk, Neco Starr, Molly Hunt, a girl in a straw fedora, and some other people also made it through, but didn't get their own segments. Ryan tells us it was a "hot morning" with every person who walked in getting a ticket. Ahh the judges, back from break, ready to hear some singing, not yet jaded.

Stephanie Renae is a little too much of a fan girl to do really well on Idol. She wasn't bad, but she wasn't amazing. She does sound like Carrie Underwood did when she started out on American Idol--nasal. Jennifer and Randy recommended vocal lessons to get rid of the nasal, and Steven recommended picturing squirrels water-skiing as she sings.

Schyler Dixon auditioned with her brother, Colton, who made it ALMOST to the Top 24 last season. The judges love Colton, and not Schyler so much. They persuaded Colton to usurp his sister's audition. I thought Schyler was better, but maybe I'm just not into such over-worked hair on men. The judges let them both through because Schyler was wearing the number, but Colton is the one they wanted. What a bummer for Sister Schyler.

Lauren Mink is pretty average as far as voices and personality go, but she's a southern angel sent from heaven. AND she sang "Country Strong"! I bet she even saw that movie! How embarrassing for her.

Beautiful NBA dancer, Brittany Kerr could easily go the way of Pia Toscano. A less talented Pia. Beautiful, but too boring to win votes. The guys said yes, and outnumbered Jennifer, who must always the the fairest one of all.

HAHAHA Phillip Phillips! Give me a break, Phillip's parents! Now all I want to do is write Phillip Phillips fan fiction. It's his dad's name, too! And how cute is his dad?! His mom loves Ryan Seacrest, who was a total d-bag about it ("aw, you're sweet.") Phillip has good energy, and reminds me of Casey Abrams. Growly-like, and makes weird faces. The judges loved it, though. Like Casey, Phillip is even more amazing behind a stringed instrument. His cover of "Thriller" was inspired. Steven even called him "Casey with a lightning rod." Don't try to fool us with this "last audition in Savannah" business, though, because I do not easily forget a flamboyant purple hat on Steven Tyler from Day 1. Please put Phillip Phillips Sr. and Phillip Phillips Jr. on a TV show together where they solve crimes in unconventional ways.

The Bad

I will not be a fan of any Ryan Seacrest-centric sequence, but that Shaun Kraisman had a decent Ryan Seacrest impression/look. Did Ryan have to come into the room, though? Just let me know when ol' Shaun executive produces a show as good as Jaime Oliver's Food Revolution.

All those hot people. I will say, though, I like a montage about people the judges wish could sing but can't.

Joshua Chavis, who wanted to sing the National Anthem at a NASCAR event, and if they don't let him he will yell and kick the cars apart. He was crappy, and his face annoyed me. This dude is way too intense. Did his mannerisms remind anyone else of Bill Hader's Weekend Update character, Stefan? Like, SO much. And then he went into a crying, yelling fit. This is mania in its purest form.

The WTF

Jessica Whitely. The sad thing is that you can tell she thought she sounded amazing. But she sounded a little bit like Miss Piggy when she's angry, if she were to sing about it before karate chopping someone into liking her. And she looked a little bit like Shawntel from The Bachelor. "Do people say that you can sing? I mean, what happened?" Randy asked, and Jessica promised to audition again in Texas. We've got our first Idol stalker!

Tall, baseball daughter with a million sisters, Shannon Magrane had to audition in front of her giant family, with her mom mouthing the words. I did like that awkward record scratch when Steven told her dad that his daughter is hot and steamy, though. Once she is identifiable outside of her height, famous dad, and baseball family, Shannon could be a real talent.