Do you believe in a just and merciful Nigel Lythgoe? I suppose I do, because tonight's episode of American Idol auditions is only an hour long. A more vengeful, Old Testament Nigel would have stretched the Aspen, CO auditions into two hours, but here we are. What type of Ryan Seacrest do you believe in? I'm sorry, I shouldn't just assume you believe in a Ryan Seacrest.

So, they "finally" made it to Aspen, where it's great to vacation but few people are likely to live. These auditioners will prove YOU (me) wrong! Randy thinks "we could find a winner here," but we all know that nothing Randy says means anything anymore.

Where this season may have stumbled, is that they are showing us too many good auditions and not enough terrible ones. Why else would we watch the audition shows? There's a formula for success here, and Season 11 isn't nailing it. Aspen could give us the old formula, though! Let's see how it shook down:

The Good

The guy who sang "I'm Not Moving" by Rascal Flatts, and the guy who sang "Hey Jude." I missed their names because my reception was blurry, but I heard them and they were good! Oh, and then there's that Scotty McCreery-sounding fellow named Richard? Good for all three of them.

Curtis Grey, who I would not want to hang out with, needs to work on his star quality. But the judges loved him, I guess.

As much as I hate the "wacky Steven Tyler is wacky" montages, I kind of chuckled at the one of him eating to the song "Hungry." Haha!

Shelby Tweten from Minnesota with Bi-Polar disorder. If she's off her meds, she's not herself, so this is a story of triumph or something. Triumph for the prescription drug world at the very least. Of course she was good! I don't know if she's Top 24 good, but she's Hollywood good for sure. The sad stories always like to sing "Temporary Home," don't they?

"Lover" Jairon Jackson captivated the judges with an original song, Jennifer in particular. HOLLYWOOD! He is "the real deal" and "a real artist." He's going to have to artist some of those lights back in that he broke.


The Bad

Telena Hedgespeth, the twin sister. She was awful, and a victim of the judges' cattiness. J. Lo whispered to Steven, "if you ask her for another song I'm gonna kill you." Not nice, Jennifer.

Alanna Snare, who taught the judges what Rocky Mountain Oysters REALLY are, sang "Jolene" and I wanted her to be good. She was dreadful, though, and they dubbed mooing over her audition, which was pretty rude I think.

Lots of auditions! Last week we were really missing some downright bad auditions, and it looks like Aspen finally delivered, with avalanche jokes to boot! This is what we've been waiting for!

Magic Cyclops, who has a lot of gambling debt, is just here for laughs. "People avoid me because I look homeless," Magic declares. "Yo, come on, Aspen," Randy says. And I tend to agree. "This is really silly, I just want to tell you guys," Randy said to preface this stupid audition. Do homeless people wear skinny jeans? Maybe in Aspen. Confetti cannon! And Randy is out. I'm glad the production team obliged to play the Incredible Hulk theme as he walked away, though. It was a good request, hilariously granted.

The Confusing (but still good)

Loud, obnoxious Jenni Schick, who loves Steven Tyler and NEEDS ATTENTION, people! She is this season's Ashley Sullivan, so I am fine with it. Just crazy enough to make it! Hollywood and/or an asylum would welcome her with open arms. She kissed Steven Tyler, but we all know that.

Log cabin dweller Haley Smith. Someone DOES live in the mountains! But is she just the second poor man's Crystal Bowersox this season? Did you think she was going to be good? I sure didn't! You go, girl, I guess? I know I categorized her under "confusing" but she is an early favorite for me, just because she's different.

Angie Zeiderman is "a waitress and part-time singer," so I was skeptical. Good for her being a "vintage glitter queen," though. She sang a show tune, which polarized the judges, then sang a different song that made everyone fall in love. It is the dawning of the age of the vintage glitter queen!

(images courtesy of FOX)