With the return of American Idol just weeks away, it's time for us all to get prepared for the type of malcontents and clueless hopefuls that will grace our screens in the first couple weeks of the show. Arguably the most enjoyable part of the season are the initial tryouts, during which we receive the great honor of witnessing all those contestants who aren't destined to become the next American Idol. These men and women travel from every corner of the country to whatever big city is hosting the tryouts. They wait in long lines, all believing that, somehow, Simon, Randy and Paula will choose to send them to Hollywood. Of course, these people do this in a completely inexplicable manner, considering they have absolutely no talent. For some reason, hundreds of terribly bad singers find themselves in front of the judges, walking time bombs of national mockery.
Now that American Idol has been around for awhile, it's easier for us to recognize these people, the ones whom we laugh at. They can be divided into a few easy categories. Painfully Oblivious These contestants are innocent enough, covering all ranges of talent. They may be simply mediocre, they may be worse than a howler monkey, it doesn't matter. The major trait of the Painfully Oblivious is that they have absolutely no clue that they are bad. They actually believe that they have talent and they are completely shocked when told otherwise. Mostly, these people are innocent, inoffensive as people (but quite offensive as singers). Uber-Confident No-Talent We know who these are. They walk into the room with a strut. They KNOW that they are incredible. Their range is wide, but they all think they are God's gift to FOX. No matter what the judges tell them they will insist until the end that they deserve to go to Hollywood. They are narcissists and will stop at nothing to blame everyone else for not recognizing their genius. No Match for Simon This may be the most painful of all the groups. These contestants enter the audition with high hopes and good intentions, yet are bad enough to get a verbal lashing from Simon. The main trait of these people is that they're completely blindsided by Simon. They don't see it coming, yet aren't sympathetic enough to get a reprieve from the judges. Paula might get upset with Simon for saying mean things, but they'll all be true. So Bad it Hurts These are the hopefuls who make you embarrassed for the state of mankind. They look like they either came to the audition from a cave or the early 90's. Often morbidly obese or completely insane, these individuals leave us and the judges speechless. They are known for their completely ridiculous song selection and unfathomable stylistic choices. Awful Darlings These are your William Hungs. They are horrendous, but in a wonderfully unique way. They show up on YouTube. You may end up receiving an email about them. These are the most fun to watch and, when you see something so uniquely awful, you know it right away. The misfits that kick off every season of American Idol have become one of the show's major attractions, and for good reason. You can never underestimate the entertainment value of a train wreck. Just ask FOX. -Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer