'American Idol' Finale: Simon Cowell Crowns His Final 'Idol'
'American Idol' Finale: Simon Cowell Crowns His Final 'Idol'
Abbey Simmons
Abbey Simmons
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
It's finally here. The end to one of the most critically unacclaimed seasons of American Idol. Tonight we'll bid a fond farewell to Simon Cowell, the heart, soul and snark of the show, and we'll crown the winner of what is arguably the worst seasons in American Idol history.  It's a sad state of affairs when goodbye is more exciting than hello, but that's exactly where American Idol finds itself tonight. No matter who wins (Lee Dewyze) or how many past contestants parade across the Nokia Stage to sing "Happy Trails" to Simon (countless), there's simply no saving season 9.

Take a Look Back at Season 9:

Crystal vs. Lee: Week-by-Week Comparisons
The 25 Worst Performances of Season 9
The 25 Best Performances of Season 9
The Best of the Rest of Season 9

At least there's the promise of two hours and seven minutes chock full of former Idols, goofy duets, talented guest stars and the promise of Paula before America unsurprisingly crowns another white guy with a guitar the winner. Of course, we could have a reverse Idol shocker, where the unconventional and undeniable talent beats the everyman with momentum... but ev
en if Crystal Bowersox manages to wrestle the title from Lee and basks in a well-deserved confetti shower, the only OMG faces will be off the Idol stage. The greatest gift us viewers could receive tonight is a shot of the producer's trying to figure out how to market a woman who prefers harmonica solos to hit singles.

The best part of it all? Once the clock strikes 10:07, we never have to watch season 9 again. So watch along with me live as we say goodbye to Simon Cowell and hello to the next American Idol.

This .... Is .... American Idol:

It's Idol finale time and if you want to end up in the hospital, we encourage you to take a drink any time the following words are said: "paint salesman," "mother" or "Simon."

And if you are drinking, pour one out for Simon's farewell. The nipply Brit IS American Idol and he will be dearly missed. However, I won't miss the fact that I can basically see Simon's belly button because he's unbuttoned his crisp white shirt dangerously low. It is his last night, so he really can do anything that he wants. But no one but his new fiance needs to see that much of Simon Cowell.

Ryan introduces the final two: Snaggletooth and the Guy Down the Hall in your College Dorm. (Just in case you were curious what I've been calling the Top 2 behind their backs.)

Disturbingly, both Dreads and Chin Pubes are dressed as Catholic school students, because the first performance of the night is ...

The Top 12 and Alice Cooper: "School's Out"

"School's Out" doesn't just feature the Top 12 looking like Britney in "Hit Me Baby One More Time." Oh no, it all features FOX's house guitarist: Orianthi. (Seriously, FOX if I can spell O-r-i-a-n-t-h-i by memory and I had never heard of her before watching FOX shows, there is a problem.) And oh Top 12, we forgot most of you existed ... intentionally.

"School's Out" always reminds me of Dazed and Confused, but unfortunately I don't think there's going to be any hazing by Parker Posey in the Top 12's future. But don't you worry, we'll be getting dazed and confused later, because there's no way Paula Abdul isn't making a guest appearance tonight to bid adieu to Simon.

Next up, Alice Cooper protege, Season 8 winner Adam Lambert I mean, Kris Allen, the (almost) invisible Idol.

Kris Allen: "The Truth"

Poor, poor Kris. Not only is he following Alice Cooper in studded leather pants and a backing goth choir, the beginning of his performance is interrupted by Ryan Seacrest, whose mic appears to still be on. I know it's live TV and all, but OF COURSE this happened to Kris ...  because you know, Idol needs to do more to undermine the guy this season.

To Kris's credit and undeniable charm, he smiles through the whole blunder like a pro. (Now we know where Tim Urban learned to smile through those critiques ...)

With two performances down and the results nearly two hours away, it's time for the first of what I'm sure will be many Simon montages. The first of the night starts with clips of Simon's best insults and Ryan, Randy and Kara pretending that they are thrilled instead of terrified that Simon is leaving. Ryan can say that "tonight is all about Crystal and Lee," but he's lying. We all know tonight is as much (if not more) about Simon.

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(Image courtesy of FOX)