American Idol 8: San Francisco Auditions, Live Thoughts
American Idol has been off the air for six days.  Do you miss it?  Are you tired of all this political riff-raff and hankerin' for an easily digestible after-dinner mint like Idol?  Barack Obama may be our president, but American Idol still rules over us all.  Idol is a galactic warlord, the TV show embodiment of Lord Xenu or Optimus Prime.  Inaugural balls are for D.C. sycophants and people who are generally opposed to fun.  American Idol is where the rest of us belong.  Tonight brings only one hour of Cowell-slathered goodness, but the positive news is that tonight's auditions are set in San Francisco, home to a veritable beehive of crazy people.  And talented people.  And homeless people.  I will be here throughout the hour, wearing gym shorts, pouring live thoughts onto the electric page like Mrs. Butterworth onto homemade flapjacks.  Syrupy delight, your home is BuddyTV.

I always catch the end of old Seinfeld episodes as I log on for the live thoughts.  It's aging well, the show.  Jerry's wardrobe, on the other hand, yikes.  It ain't pretty.  What were people thinking in 90's? 

Doesn't like there's as many auditioners in San Francisco as other places.  People are busy in San Fran, I suppose.  Oh, wait, here it is - the opening credits.  Excuse me while I enjoy a personal dance party to the theme song.

Notable past San Fran auditioners: Katharine McPhee and William Hung.  Two kids got married this year while waiting in line. 

Paula Abdul is wearing a giant conductor hat.   It's something a cartoon character would wear.

Tatiana, a horribly arrogant Puerto Rican import who says she models, acts, sings and anything else you could imagine, says her very powerful psychic friend predicted that she would make it to the Top 12.  She also has a Fran Drescher-level laugh.  And she wears a dress that looks like it was designed by a 6 year old.  She brings the judges her press kit.  She starts singing, and she's not bad.  Simon Cowell hates her. She's better than a lot of people they've let through.  Paula gives her a yes.  Randy says yes.  Kara drops a no.  Simon sends her to Hollywood.

Sorry. I didn't catch Tatiana's last name.  I was hypnotized by her laugh.

Dean Anthony Bradford, the man you see in the picture above, calls himself a failed entrepeneur.  This guy is kind of an idiot.   He's got a really weird voice, but he acts even weirder while singing.  This guy is a joker.  Randy calls it tortured.  Simon rips the guy a new one, questions his hair color, just went downhill from there. 

Jesus Valenzuela is a family man, with kids, and he thinks this is a great opportunity to try out for his kids, who are loyal Idol viewers.  Simon stops him early on, saying it's not going to work, then Paula protests, saying his voice isn't bad.  Which it isn't, nothing special.  Jesus plays the kids card, brings in his two boys, and the non-Simon judges let him through.  He's going to Hollywood.  That was somewhat shameless. 

We watch a dude who is a Rubik's cube expert.  He solves it about twenty seconds.  His name is Dalton Powell.  And he's an absolutely horrific singer.  And really shy about it.  This has to be a joke.  This guy is too smart - Rubik's Cube - to not know he's this bad.  This guy is a joker. 

We look back at the Summer of Love.  Briefly.  They juxtapose it clumsily to the Idol auditions.  We see a montage of Kara and Simon bickering.  It's actually lovely.  Akilah Askew-Gholston has printed out a bunch of crap from the internet on how to sing gospel.  This girl is as dumb as a box of paperclips.  I guess there was no talent in San Fran?  She calls Randy "Simon."  She sings her original song "Let's Make Sweet Love."  It's terrible.  She messes up and says that she "sang from the wrong rectum."  Wonderful.  High comedy.  Next time I misspeak, I'm going to say that it came from the wrong rectum.  This girl has to leave.  They really struggled to fill this hour of TV.  She won't leave.  Kara finally has to escort her out.

We see a montage of three good singers get through to Hollywood, two of them cute chicks.  Cool.  Next, is skinny blonde girl Annie Murdoch.  She wears a shirt with the San Francisco skyline on it.  She is absolutely horrible.  She is 28 and unemployed.  She might be faking this.  Regardless, she's a joke. 

Adam Lambert is a dude, normal seeming, who grew up singing in school musicals.  He's from Hollywood.  They play Coldplay in the background while introducing him, so that's probably a good sign. He was in the cast of Wicked for the last year and a half.  He's got a very high voice.  Maybe a little over-dramatic with his facial expressions, but he's got a great voice.  Simon thinks it's a little too theatrical.  But he gives him a yes.  They all give him a yes, but Kara and Simon bicker during the critique.

Kai Kalama is the final singer of the night.  He takes care of his mom during the day, sings and performs at night.  His mom has a seizure disorder.  Kai has had to change his life drastically since his mom got sick.  She's proud of him, he's happy to take care of her.  Very touching.  Touching, indeed.  He better be a good singer.  He sings "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes," an old school cut, and a tough one to sing.  Kind of a weird song to audition with. He has a tiny bit of trouble on the high notes, but he's good.  Nice voice.  Simon thought he had the personality of a "ship singer."  They all agree he needs to work on his stage presence, but he's through to Hollywood. 

And that is all for tonight, folks.  Tomorrow morning I'll have a full write-up on tonight's show, and we have another hour of Idol tomorrow night. 

-Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image Courtesy of FOX)