American Idol

I hope this picture hasn't made your eyes bleed.  It's not that I searched for the absolute most disgusting FOX promo picture for tonight's season 7 premiere of American Idol...it just kind of worked out that way.  So, here we are, back again, at the outset of one more season of American Idol.  It's been seven long months without Ryan Seacrest and now he's about to re-enter our lives and shepherd us down a long and winding five month trek, at the end of which a new American Idol will be born.  During this 40-plus episode journey, we at BuddyTV will be here with the world's most extensive Idol coverage, which includes live thoughts, live results and recaps for every single episode of American Idol.  In fact, that's what you're reading now.  Crazy, right?  We update these live thoughts every few minutes during the episodes, so feel free to comment and refresh as much as need be.  Tonight, we get our first Idol audition episode, this one coming from the home of Rocky, steak sandwiches and sports fans who throw batteries at their own players.  That's right: Philadelphia!

All right, I'm jacked up on Diet Dr. Pepper and ready to go.

Seacrest tells us the news: 7 cities, biggest auditions ever, over 100,000 people tried out.  There are a lot of crazies out there. I love it when everyone in the entire arena claps or says something in unison. Hysterical.

Seacrest gives us a brief history lesson on Philly.  "Philadelphia Freedom" by Elton John plays in the background.  What were the odds of that?  5/2?

The judges arrive.  Omigodomigodomigod!

Joey Catalano is our first audition.  He's lost over 200 pounds over the last few years.  That is impressive.  He doesn't look like a singer, though.  He's dropping some Maroon 5 on us.  He's got a really voice, maybe a little soft, but good.  The judges all say yes.  Simon tells him to gain some weight.  Zing.

Yuka (probably spelled wrong) is a goofy dude from Egypt who loves the Bee Gees.  He speaks quirky broken English, the kind of character you'd find in a novel.  He kind of talks like a less vulgar Borat.

OK, we're spending too much time getting to know Yuka.

Yuka: "I want to get to know a girl from hair to nipple."

Simon rolls his eyes when Yuka calls Paula a good singer.  He's bad, but one could call it "adorably bad".

Melanie Nyema, who was recently a back-up singer for Taylor Hicks, goes next.  She's OK, I guess.  Paula and Randy give it the yes, Simon doesn't.

James Lewis is a Philly tour guide.  And he gives the weirdest audition ever.  He has a hard time making vowels.  It's sounds like he was singing while immersed in water.  I can't explain it.  Paula and Randy laugh at him, and I was laughing with them.

Nick Stano sings some Righteous Brothers and it horrendously bad.

Sybill White screams like a coked out banshee.  Simon tells her to shut up.

Junot Joyner, a burly, shy black dude starts singing and kind of rocks it.  He's goin' Hollywood.

Jose Candelaria sings a Spanish version of Toni Braxton's "Unbreak My Heart."  Hollywood for him.

Jonathan Baines, skinny, floppy haired white guy is going to Hollywood.

Temptress Brown is a sixteen year old football player.  First, she looks like she's 35.  Her mom is having trouble breathing.  This is one of the sob stories.  Her mom's pushing 500 pounds, no joke.  So, she heads in to sing.  We saw during the commercials that this audition will end in tears.  She sing a Jennifer Hudson song.  Yikes, she's pretty awful.  Really, really bad.  Temptress has a good cry when the judges break the news.

Mark Hayes, weirdo, performs some Bing Crosby, after he tells us about his ability to make a really good cricket noise.  It's like he's not even trying.  I don't get it....and, then, BAM!  Idol drops there own cricket sound effects.

Udi, another weirdo, shows off his dance moves.  They're abysmal.  He used dancing for corporate motivation...or something.  I stopped paying attention there for awhile.  How does somebody like this think they're good?  Udi doesn't seem stupid, just astronomically delusional.  Obviously, a terrible singer.  He didn't want to leave.  Maybe he is just really dumb.

I hate this part...FOX has chosen Joan Jett's "I Love Rock n' Roll" as the song all the really crappy singers get to sing along to.  Waste of time.

Alexis Cohen, a crazy rocker chick with dumb make-up on, talks about how she loves being looked at weirdly. She lives her mom in a one room apartment.  Why are they showing us her home?  She's an artist as well as a singer.  She's either crazy or crazy and talented.  Probably the former.  She walks into the audition room like she's walking on egg shells and flashing the peace sign.  She's also studying to be a veterinarian.  She says people compare her to Janis Joplin, which means she's going to yell. Her lower register stuff is OK, but she can't sing high at all.  Who am I kidding?  This is awful, but then the fun happens...

The judges are actually quite kind, Simon saying she should be in a band.  Then she leaves, graciously.  However, once she's gone she starts going crazy,  It's like she's giving a monologue in a one-woman show.  Full of rage and non-sensical.  As you can see from everything I've written about her, this is taking up a lot of screen time.

We see some randoms make it through to Hollywood.  Apparently they weren't that good, or we would have seen them perform.

The last audition of the first day is Angela Martin, a good looking 26 year old girl who had a young daughter in her senior year of high school.  The daughter has some health issues, similar to Cerebral Palsy.  Her whole family is there to support Angela.  Everyone seems to love Angela.

She tells the judges that she has a band, working corporate gigs and wedding parties and whatnot.  And, wow, she can sing.  Her voice is powerful, but naturally so and in complete control.  She adds a corny ad-lib, singing "Simon" during the song.  Simon tells her to de-Weddingize her singing.  There's a massive group hug from the family when she leaves that Seacrest gets into the middle of.

Time for Day Two....is it bad that I'm already a bit tired?  Maybe, but I'm going to eat some sugar packets to get me back in the zone.

Alyse Wojiechowski shows up, a petite girl in a pink dress, comes in pepped up and then stinks up the joint.

Then another cute chick comes in and sings terrible.  Then a really big girl comes in.

Milo Turk, a 40-ish man, comes in to sing a song called "No Sex Allowed."  It must be noted that he is wearing a leopard print vest.  Really.  It's incredible.  He brings not a message of safe sex, but of no sex.  I believe this to be a terrible message.  He's actually 39.  And he has a glorious mustache.

He starts singing and it is terrifying.  It's about not having sex, but he name drops "Oedipus Rex," so the song might just be about no sex with your mother.

This guy's a crazy person.

Kristy Lee Cook is a 23 year old, hot girl from Oregon who lives in a log house and is currently is training for cage fighting.  She also trains horses.  She sings "Amazing Grace."  She has a good voice, but does too much of that note-changing vocal Olympics.  If she can tone that down, she'll be really good.  And she's attractive, which helps.

Ben Haar...he's the guy from the picture.  He's wearing a bikini, ostensibly because he's a Star Wars fan.  Paula and Simon are terrified.  Randy just giggles.  FOX does a slow pan up his body.  Paula tells him to wax his chest hair and then come back.  This is silly.

Pedro Rivera....WHY?  Not worth discussion.  Neither is the next performer, whose name is way too long to type.

Paul Marturano wrote a love song for Paula.  He's 32.  HAHAHAHAHA.  He's singing this song from the viewpoint of a stalker.  The chorus is actually pretty funny.  But really creepy.  Sample lyric: "If you were a chalkboard, I would chalk her."

Beth Stalker, a 28 year old MILF, who sings at clubs at night.  And she has the nightclub sort of voice, very old-timey, but it's good.  Voice is kind of soft, though.  Simon says she wouldn't stand out in the crowd, and gives her a no.  But Randy and Paula like her and send her to Hollywood.

Ben Haar is back and his chest is totally shaved.  I don't want to watch this.  They only let him sing for a second, thankfully.

Chris Watson wants to be a legend.  He also has dreadlocks and wears a suit.  I have high hopes for Chris.  He's not bad, but it just reminds me of all the crappy R&B that's out these days.  Maybe it's because he sang an Uncle Kracker song.  I had forgotten about Uncle Kracker.  I'm not happy to be reminded of him now.  He's on to Hollywood.

Christina Tolisano, a major Star Wars geek who wears the Leia bun roll hair cut, is up next.  She wears a big Star Wars belt.  She says that men love her.

Sometimes, you just want to beat your head into your desk, you know?

Well, thankfully, she's not terrible.  She's really bad, which is a step and a half above terrible.  OK, maybe she is terrible.  Christina is pissed that they didn't take a goof ball like her.  She starts cursing up a storm with her parents and Seacrest.  She's blaming her dismissal on a anti-dork bias.

Brooke White is the last singer from Philly.  She's a nanny in Cali.  She's a cute blonde, maybe a little awkward and she's never seen a rated R movie.  OK, I'm off the bandwagon.  She's married and has been for three years....the husband doesn't watch rated R movies either.  She's sings some Corinne Bailey Rae.  Brooke is a pretty good singer.  The difficulty level isn't that high, but her voice is dreamy and smooth and she's going to Hollywood.

And that's all from Philly.  29 singers have moved on to Hollywood.


-Oscar Dahl, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image Courtesy of FOX)