On tonight's episode of American Horror Story: Coven
, the main goal of the witches of the Academy, who never seem to have lessons, by the way, is to kill Fiona.
But first, Queenie sort of gets a storyline! Yay! The episode opens on her wandering a hangout area for the homeless, which is predictably somewhere dark and creepy and all-around Not A Good Place for Queenie to Be.
She has nothing to worry about, however, because, as she proves when she beats him with a chunk of wood, she can handle this particular situation. When Madison and Zoe show up to try to convince her to return to the coven, she then proceeds to rip the guys still beating heart out in front of them. Looks like it's Queenie's turn to have some badass moments.
No, Queenie hasn't gone dark side and decided to go around murdering homeless people for kicks. Marie demanded that she get a dark heart for a potion to give Queenie more powers, and this guy is known for raping schoolgirls, so she feels justified. Whatever gets American Horror Story: Coven to it's gross-out quota for the evening, I guess.
Meanwhile, Fiona is still dealing with dying of cancer, and it looks like her body is really failing her now. We see her puking, writhing on the floor, the works, and we also learn that Cordelia couldn't care less; she wants Fiona dead. Shouldn't be a total shocker to Fiona, she's not exactly Mother of the Year or anything.
But her Axeman lover still thinks she's beautiful, and he tries to convince her to run away with him. When she isn't all for this idea, he asks whether she's ever contemplated just making it all "stop." You know, the big S. Suicide. But Fiona says she wouldn't ever give her haters that satisfaction, which turns out to be foreshadowing for the entire rest of her storyline this episode.
Fiona Must Die
The rest of the coven has decided that Fiona needs to die, and that basically drives their actions on this episode of American Horror Story: Coven. Cordelia tells the girls to focus, and announces that Queenie is "dead" to her since she left to work with Marie. Delia's gotten real harsh since she got her eyes burned out and all, but I did kind of feel like someone needed to take charge, and it might as well be her.
So they make plans to kill Fiona. Who, by the way, doesn't know Madison is back, which ends up being important for their plan. During this scheming, Misty shows up, telling them all about how she's escaping from a man in her woods with a gun. Cordelia tells Misty she's welcome there, and Misty asks if her "friend" in the greenhouse can stay too. That's when the others learn that she brought a newly healed Myrtle with her. The gang's all here, folks! Well, except for Fiona. And Queenie. And Spalding. Which, frankly, that last one I'm okay with.
Cordelia offers them protection, and Myrtle announces to them all that it is in fact Misty who is the new Supreme! So they need to get rid of Fiona quick so Misty can get all her powers and stuff. Seems like an easy task, sure.
So, since Fiona won't just up and die already (rude), the coven has to take drastic measures if they want to be rid of her and move on with a new Supreme. They all put on robes and do an ancient ritual that is meant to prematurely end the life of one Supreme so another can take their place.
It was done during the Salem witch trials, for example, when one Supreme in particular couldn't make the journey when her coven had to flee south. A Supreme giving up her life for the coven is an ultimate sacrifice, you see. And if the Salem witches, who didn't even have BIDETS, as Myrtle points out, and were therefore savages, could do it, so can they.
Madison points out that Fiona won't kill herself, and that she certainly won't do it for them. So they come up with an elaborate scheme in which Madison and Myrtle, respectively, visit Fiona, who doesn't know they're alive, while she is weak from her illness. With a remix of the amazing "Season of the Witch" by Donovan playing, Madison taunts Fiona first, convincing her that she is the new Supreme and that she brought herself back. But most importantly, she says she'll tell everyone what Fiona did, so she'll obviously be burned for her crime.
She tries to convince Fiona she can either burn at the stake, or take a bunch of pills and just "go to sleep," her choice. She leaves, and Myrtle shows up just as Fiona is packing to high-tail it out of there. She says she's going to run away with someone she "belongs to," aka Axeman, and he'll be there for her when she dies.
So Myrtle tries to convince her that he won't stay, and Fiona has some terrible scenes in her head of Axeman leaving her on her deathbed, barely any hair on her head and certainly not the formidable Fiona we know. Which is really unfortunate, because why would you do that to Jessica Lange?!
Apparently that was enough to convince Fiona, because she decides to make herself a pretty corpse and gets herself ready to die, with Myrtle's assistance. She gets all made up, puts on her best furs, swallows a ton of pills, lays on her bed, and closes her eyes.
Purge the Poison
Somehow Spalding saves the day, when he wakes Fiona up and tells her she needs to take ipecac to "purge the poison." When Fiona acts all martyr-y, he calls her out on it, and tells her all about her coven's lies. So she gets up and pukes, thus derailing the coven's little plan to have her off herself so they don't have to do the dirty work themselves. Fiona calls Spalding her "silent sentinel," and vows to avenge his murder. Just as soon as she avenges her own.
And I have to admit, I wasn't quite sure how "real" Spalding is meant to be in this exchange. He says something about the "spirit world" at one point, but Fiona seems to vomit up the pills in the "real" world. So I'm not sure if she was in the spirit world, and crossed out of it, or if Spalding is a ghost only she can see, or what. Maybe I'm the only one bothered by this.
Poor Cute Luke
Luke returns this episode, but the guy still doesn't manage to catch a break on this show. As his mother is tending to his wounds from the whole zombie situation at the Academy, he makes a comment about the coven "saving" him, which has his extremely Christian mother all up in arms!
Only Jesus can save him, she says, and apparently to help him remember that, somehow, she appears to give him an enema. To...cleanse him? Or something? I don't know, but it's not cool. Poor Cute Luke.
Nan hears his cries of distress, but isn't able to leave during the whole "planning to kill Fiona" thing, but she does go over to his house later on in the episode to rescue him. But only after she gets pissed at the others for thinking she couldn't be the Supreme, after which she says, "You can all suck balls!", which is kind of my go-to insult, so go Nan!
When she headed over to his house, however, we catch a glimpse of Delia's husband creeping in a nearby car. So when Nan is attempting to get Luke out of the house and they are stopped by his mother, and suddenly bullets come flying through the window, we have an idea of where they might have come from.
At first I thought that just after Luke's mother was shot and killed, he was shot too. But Cute Luke is spared to be Nan's new boytoy another day.
Confrontations, Resurrections and Discoveries
Fiona confronts the coven, who are all sitting around downstairs basically waiting for her to die and for Misty to "feel" something different about herself. But when she asks after the "swamp witch," she isn't in the chair she had been in just seconds before.
That's because Misty has gone next door to see what all the hub-bub is about. Fiona follows her, and magics an officer into telling her what happened. She then tells Misty to bring Luke's mother back to life, which she is able to. Too bad. That's one character I could live without.
While Misty was doing her thing, Delia had Zoe start to lead her next door. She somehow sensed something nearby during this walk, and manages to find one of her husband's silver bullets outside. With that, she realizes that the shooting wasn't a robbery gone wrong, as law enforcement suspected, but that whoever did it was after them.
Later, Cordelia tells Fiona about this, while also owning up to trying to kill her mother and refusing to apologize for it. Fiona tells her she really is her daughter, what with the attempted murder and all, and aw. What a Kodak family moment.
The Creepy Threesome
Also on this episode, Zoe tries to teach Kyle to be an actual person by having him watch some videos. Or something. Madison also shows up and makes a comment about them "sharing" him, which, I have to say: Zombie/Zombie/Human threesome? Still weird.
Apparently the videos are working, because Kyle manages to tell Zoe he loves her, and she returns the sentiment. All while Madison listens in the next room and cries. Eh. Not really feeling the sadness, here. Still too weird.
Marie vs. Delphine
Finally, to continue Queenie's storyline, at one point in the episode she brings Delphine some food, which she hasn't been receiving while she's been in Marie's cage. She tries to win over Queenie, telling her that she put her in that cage and she can get her out.
It looks like Queenie is willing to let her out for a minute, but Marie shows up just then and has her leave. She and Delphine then have a nice little chat, and Delphine sasses her a bit which Marie does not appreciate. But Dephine reminds her that she can't kill her, no matter how many ignorant statements she makes about there being a "darkie" in the White House. So what does Marie do?
She cuts her freaking hand off. So, yea, it won't kill her, but I'll bet it hurts a friggin' ton.
So at the end of the episode, it's not a total shock that the box Fiona finds on their porch happens to have a little gift from Marie. It's not Delphine's hand, no. She did one better and sent them her head. So I guess we have to tune in next episode to see what other body parts of Madame LaLaurie's are floating around!
American Horror Story: Coven airs at 10:00 PM Wednesdays on FX.
(Image courtesy of FX)