Woof. What a Bachelor premiere
, right? Ben is surely one of the most normal human beings, and thus one of the strangest Bachelors, ever to headline the show. He's so calm and composed, but instead of laying on the charm, he mostly just sits there and lets his hair do all the work. I know he was low-key on The Bachelorette,
but now that the spotlight is on him and he still can't emote past "this is pretty cool," he just seems bored
And swarming around Ben's cocoon of eerie calmness, those WOMEN. Especially rabid and cloying and off-putting, aren't they? I actually can't remember a season of The Bachelor
that, on first impression, offered up so few genuinely good candidates. Maybe, after a few more episodes, more of the girls will reveal themselves to be more likeable, but for now, Ben's best options include the girl who rode in on a horse and the girl who rapped. That doesn't bode too well for Ben, but it does for us.
What about the ones who didn't
get roses? And what's in store for the 18 women who did? Watch two deleted scenes from last night's premiere, plus a sneak peek of next Monday's Bachelor episode, which immediately takes the group on the road:
Diaries of the Departed: First Dumped.
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Soon, they will all be a misty memory, encapsulated under a single word: "Who?"
But for now, especially since most of them didn't get a chance to do it during the episode, the first batch of departed bachelorettes get their chance to talk. And cry. Until the sun literally rises.
Clearly, the best/saddest part of this trainwreck is the caboose, Amber T., around the 3 minute mark. "There's not too many guys that can handle meeee!"
she sadly sings with a strained little elfin jig, the tears still in her eyes. That about sums up the entire mindset of the women on The Bachelor
right there.Deleted Scene: Amber Talks About Baaaay-bieeeees!
You noticed something essential was missing from last night's cocktail party, didn't you? It just doesn't feel like a REAL Bachelor
first date without a little bit of "I want a baby" talk. Well, don't worry, because the baby talk happened -- we just didn't see it. But now we can!
Wow. Usually, it's the women talking about how they want to raise a family, not discussing the nitty gritty of the actual birth. "You know, they do sew it up..." Amber Bacon, gone too soon.
Sneak Peek: Sonoma, the Narnia of California.
Next week, Ben will take the remaining 18 ladies to his hometown of Sonoma, which is perfect in every single way imaginable. It's small and laidback, yet cultured and refined. It's cute, yet sexy. (It's the perfect woman, basically.) It's a place where you can have a romantic picnic in the woods in the afternoon, then catch a movie at a private theater screening in the evening. It's Stars Hollow meets Club Med. Why don't we all live there? And how does anyone fall in love anywhere else?
, Angelic Kacie and Evil Courtney are the first to get one-on-one dates. Kacie and Ben talk a walk down Ben's memory lane with a tour of Sonoma, and then watch home movies of each other. Cute. Then Courtney will accompany Ben and his dog Scotch for a romantic lunch in the redwoods. I hope he doesn't mistake her for one of the trees! (She's tall and wooden and probably immortal, is what I am saying.)
On the week's group date, ABC's press release tells us, 12 bachelorettes will "audition and
perform roles for a community theater production written entirely by
children," and "the performance will take place that night in front of a live audience." Yes, now that
is what The Bachelor
has been missing: Let's bring impressionable children into this mess and then butcher their work in front of them.
And of course the play will set the stage
for lots of drama
: "When the 12 ladies join Ben at a posh poolside after party at a hotel,
Blakeley lures him into a steamy make out session, much to the horror of
the other women. Samantha is so disturbed at this shameless ploy for
Ben's attention that she escapes to the bathroom in tears."
So tune in to The Bachelor on Monday, January 9 at 8pm on ABC to watch a bunch of grown women turn an innocent children's play into an opportunity to wage shameless sexual warfare on each other. In Sonoma, where dreams come true.(Image courtesy of ABC)